You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
