I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
