I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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