I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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