everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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