forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
