I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
