I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
