why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
