I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
