Where is the hickey?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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