just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
