We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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