I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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