if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
