Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
