I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
