You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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