I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
