glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What a dumb baby whore.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
