and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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