You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
