So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
