i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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