Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
