we have officially lost it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
