You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
They took my balls.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
