after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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