I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
