"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just cut my nipple shaving
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
The ass gains better be worth it
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