someone threw a dead crab at me
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
