We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
