i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
