Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
