I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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