im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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