her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
