Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
