apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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