if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
