i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
