U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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