Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
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Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
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the room spins SO much faster in panama
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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