Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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