Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday