hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.