Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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