He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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