I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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