Pappa wants mamma naked
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
