I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
