the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
