he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
