What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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