Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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