your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
