I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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