How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
