Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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